Dark Night

There is a certain strange comfort when the soul is wrestling with the darkness of a night that seems to have no end in sight. The comfort comes from the Holy Spirit of God because you know His words are true and secure. What I once strived for now has been stripped away from my clingy grasp, and I am left with only outstretched hands, and the forlorn hope that I am in His. The idols that once looked like brilliant lights that illuminated this tainted world have now crashed to the floor of my inner most being, and I am left with utter darkness and in that place alone. If it all sounds so pitiful it would be, but for the assurance of mercy and grace. I know my God is with me, and Jesus Himself died for this agony, and how it pales like a speck of dust to 3 hours of brutal torture and 6 hours nailed to a cross.

                I am humbled this evening by pain in my soul, and the hope of Glory and Joy that I know God will bring in His absolute perfect timing. My mind still feverishly fights for memories of what is now gone, and holds to other worldly “securities’ that I feel slipping away with every passing moment. This stripping is by far the most difficult time I have experienced in my years on this earth, and in my past I have seen the diagnosis of terminal disease with an expected end date, 17 months in prison, and stared death in the face more times than I can recall in my once clouded mind. So to look at my circumstances today and say this is by far the darkest is a sobering and enlightening admission. I know God will bring beauty from these ashes and will give me the desires of my heart in the end, but my obligation is to understand that those desires may change as light floods my heart once this valley is navigated and the journey to the next summit begins. I know this for sure that though I long to be my “old self” again in joy, excitement, and laughter, I know that man will have died yet again in this hole, and the new man will be even better. That is the magnificent beauty in how Yeshua uses all things for the good of those that are called by His matchless name.

James 1: 1-5

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  

Risk, Courage and Surrender Today

Risk and courage are the hallmarks of these perilous times that we live in today, and for those that choose to play it safe…. They will lose their life anyway. Besides a life absent of risk is merely existence, and not the real the lavish experience that God desired this brief moment in time called life to be. -  

Before Jesus Christ found me, Risk was a word that I lived by every moment of every day by, and I see now that I have let the pendulum swing too far to the other side. The best and most Godly people and gifts that Jesus gives us in this world are going to be risky, and I see that clearly now. I wish I could turn back the hands of time, but perhaps this is just about God turning it forward? We dream, we risk, we hope, and we risk, we walk the path that God has set before us, and we risk everything, but the gain is the joy of our Father.

Ecclesiastes 11:3-6

He who observes the wind will not sow, and he who regards the clouds will not reap. As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything. In the morning sow your seed, and at evening withhold not your hand, for you do not know which will prosper, this or that, or whether both alike will be good.

I have never really been in love until this last year and a half, and I see for the first time in 47 years that LOVE truly is the riskiest journey you can embark on. I see it (as best human eyes can) at the macro level in how Jesus loves us, and now that I have felt love I see it at the raw, insecure human level that brings us to our most vulnerable selves. I have spent the last 2 months a very broken man on many levels, and the only one I have to depend on is Jesus Himself, but I feel strength and courage rise as I write my heart on this blog, and know that God grants us the desires of our hearts.

Mark 11:23-24 

For assuredly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be removed and be cast into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that those things he says will be done, he will have whatever he says. Therefore I say unto you, what things so ever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them.

 

Psalms 37: 4-5

Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.

Some things in this world are well worth the fight it takes to win them, and God grants us the wisdom and discernment to know what battles to lay our swords to, and what battles to let Him win and sustain. As much as I want to fight for the prize I desire this day, I relinquish it to The Lord tonight and leave it in His very capable and very loving hands.

Jay